From An Addict To A Holistic Life Coach

We have moved the blog!

2010-05-17T19:10:00.002+08:00

Hi everyone!

I just want to let you know that this blog has just been moved to my new website, please visit: http://www.thinkrightfeelgood.com/public

You don't have to do anything to keep receiving updates :)

Have a great day!

Jumping into conclusions...

2010-03-20T17:07:00.006+08:00

Just want to share something funny and also a big lesson for me!

This afternoon, my daughter said out loud in a sing song manner: I love chicken wings I love chicken wings!

So i said, how can you say you love chicken wings when we don't eat meat.

She turned to me and said innocently, mummy I meant I take care and love the chicken wings! Not eat them!

Good lesson for me not to jump into conclusion so quickly! Lol!

Thinking back....

2010-02-21T07:15:00.003+08:00

A few days ago I was thinking back about the times when I was addicted to video games. Granted that during that time, video games or computer games were not as sophisticated as now. However, when I got my own computer in my early 20s, I remembered how I would stay up late just to play these games on a black and white screen.

I recalled the feelings I derived from playing these games -- it was almost numbing at times. A part of me was looking for a goal to achieve and the computer game seemed to give me an outlet, it gave me a sense of hope, excitement, invincibility and motivation. However, these all became an addiction when I was glued to the screen not caring about anything else.

I think when people are addicted to mind numbing activities, it is a way for them to shut off what they fear most -- themselves. They are afraid to see who they are and the challenges they have to deal with in life and also what they are capable of achieving.

Computer addiction amongst teenagers is a big challenge for parents now. I think our young generation are now much more intelligent, they have a different mindset from their parents which makes it challenging for both parties. I also think our teenagers may be bored because the world does not have enough resources and people dedicated enough to help them to fulfill their potentials. My view is that our young generation is under stimulated on the intellectual (i mean intellectual thinking, not learning by heart type of intellect), physical and spiritual level and so they turn to gadgets etc to get stimulation, which of course offers inappropriate over stimulation! This is not just a challenge in Singapore, but indeed a worldwide phenomena.

I hope to be able to share more of my views on this with you on 3 March - I am giving a Free talk on Building A Strong & Healthy Parent-Child Bond. And also on 7 March a full day workshop on Effective & Conscious Parenting. Go here for more information: http://www.platinumlightworker.com/effective-conscious-parenti.html

Please spread the word around if you think your friends will benefit from the free talk and/or workshop. Hope to see you soon!

Workshop On Parenting

2010-02-08T11:34:00.003+08:00

Hi everyone,

In the course of presenting talks on positive thinking/psychology on the corporate level, I have come to realise that parents are in need of a class/workshop on Effective Parenting as many people often seem to have questions about parenting!

Being a parent is very often a trail and error process for many people, so most find themselves repeating patterns, most of them negative ones, from their own parents.

I am now working on a workshop on Effective & Conscious Parenting, and the targeted date for this workshop is early March. So stay tuned! If you're keen to join me in this workshop, do drop me an email thinkrightfeelgood@gmail.com

Hope to see you soon.....

Door Closing By Napoleon Hill

2010-01-18T05:44:00.001+08:00

I just came across this, and I think you will find it useful...

Door Closing
by Dr. Napoleon Hill

Consider the rather serious problems which arise in one’s mind in connection with disappointments and failures of the past, and the broken hearts that occur as the result of the loss of material things or the loss of friends or loved ones.

Self-discipline is the only real solution for such problems. It begins with the recognition of the fact that there are only two kinds of problems: those you can solve, and those you can’t solve.

The problem which can be solved should immediately be cleared by the most practical means available, and those which have no solution should be put out of your mind and forgotten.

Let us think, for a minute, about this process of forgetting. Refer to it as closing the door on some unpleasantness which is disturbing your emotional equilibrium. Self-discipline, which means mastery over all emotions, can enable you to close the door between yourself and the unpleasant experience of the past. You must close the door tightly and lock it securely, so that there is no possibility of its being opened again. This is the way to treat unsolvable problems, too. Those who lack self-discipline often stand in the doorway and look wistfully backward into the past, instead of closing the door and looking forward into the future.

This door closing is a valuable technique. It requires the support of a good, strong will, and you have a strong will if you have the departments of your mind organized and under the control of your ego, as they should be.

Door closing does not make you hard, cold or unemotional, but it does require firmness. Self-discipline cannot permit lurking memories of sad experiences, and it wastes no time worrying over problems which have no solution. You cannot yield to the temptation to relive your unhappy memories, for they destroy your creative force, undermine your initiative, weaken your imagination, disturb your faculty of reason, and generally confuse the departments of your mind.

You must place the power of your will against the door that shuts out that which you wish to forget, or you do not acquire self-discipline. This is one of the major services self-discipline can perform for you. It closes the door tightly against all manner of fears, and opens wide the doors of hope and faith!

Self-discipline closes the door against jealousy, hatred, revenge, greed, anger and superstition, and opens the door to friendship, goodwill, confidence and love.

Self-discipline look forward, not backward. It roots out discouragement and worry and other negative emotions. And it not only encourages the positive emotions, but it forces them to come before the faculty of reason every time they express themselves so that they, too, may be kept under control.

Self-discipline makes your mind strong. It enables you to take possession of your mind and exercise your God-given right to control your mental attitude. You do not have real self-discipline until you organize your mind and keep it clear of all disturbing influences. Every principle of this philosophy must function through your mind, and self-discipline, which keeps your mind orderly, is the controlling factor in this process of becoming successful.

Source: PMA Science of Success. Pgs. 286-288.

52 Things To Help You Live More Fulfilling Lives In The 52 Weeks of 2010

2010-01-05T06:37:00.001+08:00

1. Read a self development book per month
2. Do a good deed that will make a difference to someone’s life per week eg. help someone to lift something heavy, saying hello to someone who looks depressed…
3. Exercise every other day – swim, run, brisk walk, yoga, tennis, chi gung….
4. Go vegetarian/vegan (if you are not already) at least 3 times a week to help save the planet and practice compassion to other living creatures
5. Reduce, reuse and recycle (in this order)
6. Get out of your comfort zone when you find that you have stagnated simply by taking that first step out
7. Get involved with a charity event, organization or cause
8. In this age where the world is becoming smaller, it is possible to make a new friend per week via the social media like Facebook, Twitter….
9. Make a list of things you have always wanted to do (that are morally, ethically, karmically right) and do them!
10. Attend a course or pick up a skill 3-4 times a year or learn about something new every month
11. Don’t wait for yourself to be perfect in order to make a difference, you will come closer to perfection as you go about trying to make a difference
12. Watch more documentaries such as Animal Planet as opposed to junk TV.
13. Stay away from any kind of junk food. Eat foods that are life giving rather than death inducing
14. Check the labels on your food packages and find out what exactly are you putting into your body. Anything with strange codes or numbers cannot be healthy for you!
15. Re-decorate your home/room by re-arranging your furniture to give your home/room a new feel
16. Donate used clothes
17. Confront your inner most fears and talk about them or write them down to gain clarity on the cause of the fears
18. Save electricity and water for your pocket and the environment
19. Use less paper in everything you do
20. Before you buy anything, think and re-think if you really need it and if you can live without it
21. Laugh more
22. Say thank you with a smile
23. Apologise quickly when you know the mistake has been made
24. Admit mistakes and don’t try to weasel your way out that may hurt yourself or someone else in the long term
25. Listen patiently to someone who may speak too slowly for your liking
26. Speak clearly
27. Make eye contact with others when you speak
28. Pretend that your family members are people you are meeting for the first time so that you will be on your best behaviour when you see them
29. Don’t take your family and good friends for granted.
30. Go on a date with your spouse/partner every week. If you are single, go on a date with yourself!
31. Have fun activities with your children or other people’s children if you don’t have any.
32. Organize your time and energy more effectively so that you are not doing the same thing twice
33. Make to-do lists
34. Do what is on your to-do lists
35. Complete what is on your to-do lists
36. Pray, meditate or perform a spiritual practice that will allow your inner self to be nourished daily
37. Be kind to yourself
38. Be kinder to others in words
39. Be kinder to others in your actions
40. Breathe deeply
41. Use personal and household products that will not harm the environment or yourself (check the labels and find out what exactly are the unpronounceable ingredients in your toothpaste!)
42. Do the most difficult or least enjoyable things first in your day, the rest of the day will be more fun
43. Conquer/Master one bad habit every 3 months
44. Walk, cycle and use the public transport – it is cheaper and better for the environment
45. Don’t complain, be proactive
46. Don't waste time gossiping, no one has ever benefited from gossips
47. Spend more time with people and friends who are positive
48. Say one positive thing about yourself to yourself first thing in the morning (daily) when you look at yourself in the mirror
49. Enjoy your work. If you are not, do something about it.
50. Don’t give excuses for not doing what you should be doing if you want to live a more fulfilling life. Excuses are toxic for your wellbeing.
51. Plant a tree for every book you have read (visit www.ecolibris.net)
52. Read this list once a week to keep yourself in check

© Shamala Tan 2010 copyright reserved

Words Of Inspiration

2010-01-02T07:34:00.002+08:00

An interesting take on parenting & raising kids...

2009-12-15T18:45:00.001+08:00

Don't Praise Your Children!
By Jim Taylor, Ph.D.
September 3, 2009

Please be prepared. I'm going to go on a bit of rant now. I just can't hold it in any longer. I see parents doing this constantly and it's killing me because they know not what they do and they are actually hurting their children's development.

What am I referring to? It's praise, that's what I'm talking about. Now I know what you're thinking: "What? Praise is bad? I can't praise my children? This I have to hear."

Okay, here goes. What is the most common praise you hear parents (and teachers and coaches) giving kids at home, on the playground, in class, and on the sports fields? "Good job!" "Good job" (and other variants such as "Way to go," "Nice job," and "That's great") have become knee-jerk reactions from parents whenever their kids do something worthy of acknowledgment. If I had a dollar for every time I hear that, I would be a rich man today.

What's the problem with "Good job?" Well, it's lazy praise, it's worthless praise, it's harmful praise. It has no value to children, yet parents have been brainwashed into thinking that it will build their children's self-esteem. Plus, it's the expedient thing to say.

Let's start with the purpose of praise: to encourage children to continue to engage in positive behaviors that produce positive outcomes. Now you can start to see the problems with "good job!" First, it lacks specificity. It doesn't tell children what precisely they did well and without that information they can't know exactly what they should do in the future to get the same outcome. Second, "good job!" focuses on the outcome rather than the process. If you're going to be lazy with your praise, at least say, "Good effort!" because it focuses them on what they did to do a good job.

Unfortunately, many parents have been misguided by the "self-esteem movement," which has told them that the way to build their children's self-esteem is to tell them how good they are at things. Unfortunately, trying to convince your children of their competence will likely fail because life has a way of telling them unequivocally how capable or incapable they really are through success and failure.

The reality is that children don't need to be told "good job!" when they have done something well; it's self-evident. They do need to be told why they did well so they can replicate that behavior in the future to get the same positive outcome.

Research has shown that how you praise your children has a powerful influence on their development. The Columbia University researchers Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck found that children who were praised for their intelligence, as compared to their effort, became overly focused on results. Following a failure, these same children persisted less, showed less enjoyment, attributed their failure to a lack of ability (which they believed they could not change), and performed poorly in future achievement efforts. Says Dweck: "Praising children for intelligence makes them fear difficulty because they begin to equate failure with stupidity."

Too much praise of any sort can also be unhealthy. Research has found that students who were lavished with praise were more cautious in their responses to questions, had less confidence in their answers, were less persistent in difficult assignments, and less willing to share their ideas.

Children develop a sense of competence by seeing the consequences of their actions, not by being told about the consequences of their actions. The researchers Mueller and Dweck found that children who were praised for their effort showed more interest in learning, demonstrated greater persistence and more enjoyment, attributed their failure to lack of effort (which they believed they could change), and performed well in subsequent achievement activities. Rewarding effort also encouraged them to work harder and to seek new challenges. Adds the Clark University researcher Wendy Grolnick: "Parental encouragement of learning strategies helps children build a sense of personal responsibility for-and control over-their academic careers."

Based on these findings, you should avoid praising your children about areas over which they have no control. This includes any innate and unalterable ability such as intelligence, physical attractiveness, or athletic or artistic gifts. You should direct your praise to areas over which your children have control-effort, attitude, responsibility, commitment, discipline, focus, decision making, compassion, generosity, respect, love, the list goes on. You should look at why exactly your children did something well and specifically praise those areas. For example, "You worked so hard preparing for this test," "You were so focused during the entire chess match," and "You were so generous for sharing with your sister."

Particularly with young children, you don't need to praise them at all. The best thing you can do is simply highlight what they did. For example, if your toddler just climbed a playground ladder for the first time, just say, "You climbed that ladder by yourself." Their smile of pride will tell you that they got the message you wanted them to get, namely, "I did it!" Nothing more needs to be said.

As another alternative to praise, just ask your children questions. You can find out what your children thought and felt about their achievement, for example, "What did you enjoy most about your performance?" and "How do you feel about what you just did?" Allow your children to decide for themselves how they feel about their accomplishments, enable them to reward themselves for their own good actions, and encourage them to internalize what they observed about their own achievement efforts.

Or really go out on a limb and don't say anything at all to your children. As I just mentioned, kids know when they do well. By letting them come to this realization on their own, they learn to reinforce themselves and they don't become praise junkies dependent on you for how they feel about their efforts and accomplishments.

Here is my challenge to you. First, next time you're at the playground or a youth sports competition, take note of what parents say to their children. I'll bet you hear "Good job!" (or some variation) constantly. Next, monitor what you say to your children in the same situations. Then, erase "Good job!" from your vocabulary. We've already established how useless it is. Finally, start to praise your children in the healthy ways I just described. When you have broken yourself of the "Good job!" habit, you can then pat yourself on the back and tell yourself, "Good job!"

Jim Taylor, Ph.D., is an adjunct professor at the University of San Francisco. He works in performance psychology and is the author of ten books, including “Positive Pushing: How to Raise a Successful and Happy Child”.

Words of Wisdom

2009-11-28T09:46:00.000+08:00

“Clearly define to yourself what you want to attain in life. Say to yourself: I can do it. I can do it now. Make a plan and chart the steps you must take to reach your goal. Take them one at a time, and you will find that with each success the next step comes easier and easier as more and more people are attracted to help you achieve your ultimate purpose.Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Are you satisfied with where you are and the direction you are going? If not, take control of your life and change whatever needs to be changed. You and only you have the power to do this. You can change your world.” - Napoleon Hill

Deepak Chopra: A Life of Fullment | SUCCESS Magazine | What Achievers Read

2009-11-25T08:01:00.000+08:00

Here's an interesting article you might find inspiring!

Deepak Chopra: A Life of Fullment | SUCCESS Magazine | What Achievers Read

A little excerpt from Napoleon Hill on How to Build Confidence

2009-11-14T09:41:00.001+08:00

Self-Confidence Formula
by Dr. Napoleon Hill

I know that I have the ability to achieve the object of my definite purpose in life; therefore, I demand of myself persistent, continuous action toward its attainment, and I here and now promise to render such action.

I realize the dominating thoughts of my mind will eventually reproduce themselves in outward, physical action, and gradually transform themselves into physical reality; therefore, I will concentrate my thought, for thirty minutes daily, upon the task of thinking of the person I intend to become, thereby creating in my mind a clear mental picture.

I know through the principle of autosuggestion, any desire that I persistently hold in my mind will eventually seek expression through some practical means of attaining the object back of it; therefore, I will devote ten minutes daily to demanding of myself the development of self-confidence.

I have clearly written down a description of my definite chief aim in life, and I will never stop trying, until I shall have developed sufficient self-confidence for its attainment.

I fully realize that no wealth or position can long endure, unless built upon truth and justice; therefore, I will engage in no transaction that does not benefit all whom it affects. I will succeed by attracting to myself the forces I wish to use, and the cooperation of other people. I will induce others to serve me, because of my willingness to serve others. I will eliminate hatred, envy, jealousy, selfishness, and cynicism, by developing love for all humanity, because I know that a negative attitude toward others can never bring me success. I will cause others to believe in me, because I will believe in them, and in myself. I will sign my name to this formula, commit it to memory, and repeat it aloud once a day, with full faith that it will gradually influence my thoughts and actions so that I will become a self-reliant, and successful, person.

Back of this formula is a law of nature that no man has yet been able to explain. The name by which one calls this law is of little importance. The important fact about it is—it works for the glory and success of mankind, if it is used constructively. On the other hand, if used destructively, it will destroy just as readily. In this statement may be found a very significant truth, namely, that those who go down in defeat, and end their lives in poverty, misery, and distress, do so because of negative application of the principle of autosuggestion. The cause may be found in the fact that all impulses of thought have a tendency to clothe themselves in their physical equivalent.

Source: Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. Collector’s Edition. Pgs. 86 & 87.

Get a free copy of Think & Grow Rich!

2009-11-04T05:54:00.003+08:00

This book is not just about becoming financially rich. This book is about how to live more powerful and fulfilling lives with the proper training of the minds.

My friends Vic and Lisa Johnson are doing this crazy marketing test where they're giving away Napoleon Hill's "Think & Grow Rich."

I'm helping them with their big giveaway and wanted to make sure you got your copy before they take this offer down.

Get the details here:
www.FreeTGRbook.com/shamalatan

Feel free to pass this on to friends. They can get one too if they act right away.

This is one of my favorite books. I know you'll love it!

Best Regards & Abundance to all,
Shamala Tan & The Platinum Light Team

P.S. Vic and Lisa are actually shipping these so you need to give them your address before they run out. Details here:
www.FreeTGRbook.com/shamalatan

Feedback from a participant from the Relationship/communication mini workshop

2009-11-03T09:03:00.003+08:00

Hi Shamala,
Thank you so much for giving up your time to give us such an insightful talk last night. It's amazing to think that the principles are really so straightforward and common sense, but we all forget so easily and need to be reminded of these things and have it drummed in. It's almost scary to realise how like little children we are in our adult skins! And how we really have to work at growing up and evolving. It feels like an up hill struggle sometimes, but as you say it is all about changing how we think and precieve and in effect those can be quick and subtle changes that make a world of difference quickly and with relative ease. I am a big fan of the law of attraction so I have been working a lot with this lately. I am being very concious of my thoughts, and hence my feelings, and although it's two steps forward one step back most of the time, I can certainly see it when it works!
I just need a man in my life now to practice your principles - but I have the law of attraction working on that one for me too, so it shouldn't be long now!
All the best,
TS

Exclusive Free Mini Workshop For Women Only on 21 Oct

2009-10-16T15:58:00.000+08:00

This is a special invitation by Women.Only Event (by Adam Khoo Learning Technologies Group Pte Ltd), to all women for an exclusive workshop on the HOWs to making your relationship a SUCCESS.
Organised specially for women who are looking for a healthy romantic relationship and to learn how to build a stronger relationship.

WHAT?
Workshop - The “HOWs” to Successful Romantic Relationship
You will learn:
• Why communication is the bloodline of all relationships?
• How we are in truth, not having relationships with our partners? But we really are having relationships with our perception of our partner
• The importance of forming an equal adult partnership in relationships rather than a parent/child relationship (father-daughter or mother-son types).
• How to develop an equal adult partnership so that we will stop sabotaging ourselves and the relationship
• Trainer’s personal sharing of life’s experiences with relationships.

WHO?
Shamala Tan – Holistic Life Coach/Counselor from Platinum Light Pte Ltd.
Shamala Tan is an international motivational speaker, facilitator & counselor. She has presented and facilitated in many major holistic and well being events and seminars in Singapore, USA, England, Austria and Australia. Prior to this, she was in the advertising/marketing industry including running her own business at a young age of 21.
Having been highly dependent on alcohol and other abusive substances in her past, she overcame the psychological challenges and became the master of her bad habits & addictions through self motivation. (Her life story was published in the August 2008 issue of Her World Magazine).
One of Shamala’s area of specialty is in the area of communication in all kinds of relationships and she has counseled hundreds of people and couples from all over the world. She guides her clients on how to overcome relationship issues so that they may have more fulfilling and healthier relationships with themselves and with their partners/spouse.
As a Transpersonal Counselor & Intuitive Therapist, Shamala feels blessed to help others to achieve their highest potential and to conquer their own fear based thoughts/feelings.

WHEN & WHERE?
Date: 21 October 2009, Wednesday
Time: 7pm to 10pm
Venue: Adam Khoo Learning Technologies Group Pte Ltd, 10 Hoe Chiang Road #01-01 Keppel Towers Singapore 089315

This workshop is on a first come first served basis, and seats are limited. Do email thinkrightfeelgood@gmail.com to register your name, number of people and contact number. Registration will be closed as soon as the seats are filled.

Become healthy through unlearning...

2009-09-01T06:25:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I was observing my daughter playing with her friends and I saw some very interesting interactions. My daughter is a four year old emotional manipulator! :-) I observed that she made some suggestions to her friends, but they didn't buy the idea, and immediately she folded her arms, sat down and pouted. Her friends immediately came to her and decided to do what she suggested. I know that my daughter will keep on doing this to her friends because it works! She has tried to do this at home but it never works.

In the adult world, people at the workplace and in relationships do the same thing. They are like little children in adult bodies. They pout or give people the silent treatment when things don't go their way, and I think most people learned this from a young age, just as my daughter is learning. Why do people give in when someone mis-behaves? For the most part, I think most people are afraid to be rejected, they are afraid that if they don't give in they will lose something. The emotional manipulator and the enabler are equally responsible for the unhealthy behaviour and responses, they play up each other's weaknesses and fears. And this is why romantic relationships and working relationships at the office can become toxic and dysfunctional.

It is strange but true that people who have healthy relationship practices are in the minority. And the same minority group started out by unlearning what the world has taught them.

As a life coach myself, it looks like I have my work cut out for me to undo what my daughter is now learning in the world we live in. Wish me luck! :-)

Email On Better Relationship With Son

2009-08-14T10:34:00.000+08:00

I received an email with a good question which I think many Singaporean parents can relate to. See below for my reply:

"Dear Shamala,

I’m enlightened by your talk today on how to make relationship works.

I guess I should have posted you these questions during the talk so others could benefits as well but pardon my shyness.

My question as follow:-

While coaching my son, I find myself constantly angry with him when he fails to complete a required task( which I knew he is able to do it). In such situation, it always ended up with me throwing my temper, raising my voice at him and him crying thus making learning unpleasant.

The aftermath, I always feel extremely lousy, guilty and angry with my incompetent to keep my cool.

When such incident happen it kind of kill the all bonding I’ve with him as well as his keenness for learning.

As parent, I have expectation on my only 4 years old son on his progress but how should I handle my expectation that I’ve on him, in order to be fair to him as well as kind to myself.

Once again, pls enlighten me.

You mentioned about teaching the children on life skill, do you provide such courses?

Look forward to your reply.

Thanks & Regards

My reply:

Thanks for your email. I think you may have some unrealistic expectation of your 4 year old. He may be able to complete a task, but it does not mean that he has the interest or the attention span since he is only 4. The way to go about this, is to encourage him through play and if he is not able to, or not interested in it, let it go and try again another day. By trying to make him do what you want him to do at that given time, it makes it less fun for him and as you realise will put him off learning. Moreover he is only 4.

I have a 4 year old too....and I normally encourage her to do certain tasks, but if she is not keen, I will show her (even though I know she already knows) and then say lets do it together....and after a while, she says she wants to do it herself. So I think it is really a matter of patience on your part.

If you feel impatient, take a deep breath...and control your tone of voice and don't give your power away to your anger or irritation. Your son is more important than losing your temper. This is a precious age and time to share so make it as pleasant as possible. I am not saying to spoil your son, but having a balanced level of firmness and love will make all the difference. This will help make the experience more pleasant for yourself and for your son.

As for lifeskills for kids....I do group work for kids 7 and above depending on demand.

Those younger than that can also be done, but it is a private session for both parent and child. And I normally do this by spending an hour interacting with the parent and child and observe how the parent is behaving towards the child and teach the parent accordingly. It is more like lifeskills for the parents than for the child.

I hope this helps.

Regards
Shamala

"Expert Opinion" on radio

2009-08-04T11:11:00.000+08:00

Last Wed, on 91.3FM national radio, there was a heated debate going on during the evening radio prime time. The topic was: Should men be looking at other women while they are out with their girlfriends/partners. The heated debate was between two callers, one a man and the other a woman. The DJs who ran the program decided to get an 'expert opinion' on this subject. So, Rod Montiero, one of the Djs of the show somehow got my contact and decided to do a quick chat interview on this topic the next day.

My answer was, in general there's nothing wrong in men or women looking at the opposite sex in admiration of their beauty. But I was not speaking of oggling or objectifying people as sexual objects. I also added that in general too, men tend not to be experts in multi tasking and chances are while they are admiring the opposite sex, they were not paying attention to what their partners were saying and this can create tension in the relationship. (I also think that women may be better at admiring the opposite sex without being noticed by their own partners! And I've seen this happen!) On the other hand, some women may also have issues around insecurity in their relationship or being insecure about themselves as well, so this is something women must also look into. It was also my view, that men in general must also be sensitive to the feelings of their partners if they know that their partners have issues around this subject. I think this also works both ways, some men can be insecure about themselves too. So ultimately everyone must be right with themselves, before the relationship can be right.

This is certainly an interesting topic that many people seem to be able to relate to!

Our emotions are caused by others?

2009-07-11T07:23:00.002+08:00

Not long ago, I gave a talk at a national healthcare corporate office. The subject was on EQ at the workplace.

The audience in general was quite active and this got the discussion/talk going in an interesting way. Then, I asked the question, "Do other people and situations in life create your feelings/emotions?" About 50% of the people present said yes, and the other 50% of the people were not sure...

And when I said, "No. People and situations do not create how you feel. YOU create how you feel." Everyone looked puzzled!

In our world today, what is accepted as norm seems to be right in the eyes of many. How often have we heard people say, "he/she/this made me angry"? And we accept this as the truth. We think and say this so often that we truly believe that other people and situations in life have the power to make us feel a certain way.

Most successful life coaches and spiritual psychologists like Dr Joshua Stone will tell you that your thoughts create how you feel, your feelings motivate your actions, and your actions give you the result you want. So as you can see, this can have a spiraling effect, either upward or downward. If you have a negative thought, it breeds negative feeling which can generate negative actions or inaction. But if you have a positive seed thought, this generates positive feelings and emotions which will spin positive actions.

When we realise that indeed we are the cause of our own feelings/emotions, we are empowered because we realise that, "hey! no body and nothing can make me feel a certain way unless I allow it" I think this is liberating.

However, the tricky bit here is the mindfulness to realise this whenever we are faced with challenging situations in life. More often than not, even as we know we are the cause of our own feelings, we allow our buttons to be pushed by the outer world. It takes a whole lot of practice, like learning to ride a bicycle to find that steady balance within ourselves. Along the way, we will fall and make mistakes but ultimately, we will experience the sense of peace, happiness and freedom that everyone on earth is yearning for, if we keep at it making it our personal goal to be the master of our feelings/emotions.

Stay happy, it is your choice.

Blind Boy Who Sees...Nothing Is Imposible

2009-06-27T11:11:00.001+08:00

I just have to share this amazing story with you....a blind boy who sees....check it out:

Self Centred Focus

2009-06-20T12:18:00.003+08:00

I recently had an interesting counseling case where the client was bent on proving that he was right. He made an appointment to see me to sort out some issues he has and 5 mins into the counseling, I knew that he had wasted his time and money to come to see me. Because he was bent on interrupting me whenever I had a chance to speak and trying to prove to me that he was right and that he knew what to do!

We do indeed live in a very strange world. :-) I am not saying that I have all the answers to his issues/challenges, but having an ability to listen and process what other people have to say is very much part of healing/learning. Why pay for a counseling session if one is not even open to listening?

Not only do we live in a strange world, I think for the most part the reason why we have so much imbalance within people and in the world is because of 'Self Centred Focus' - Too inward and self involved in one's own issues that one is not able to widen one's perspective. It is unfortunate but true that when people are too self centred focus, there is quite little chance for a person to heal. One of the keys to healing is the ability to see beyond one's problems and learning not to be too caught up because often times the 'solution' is often right in front. Limited perspectives causes one to suffer in one's little world. A widened perspective allows one to be open to solutions and answers. Having said that, it is like a chicken and egg story, because a person with a wide perspective will not see problems as problems but opportunities for learning and growth, so this person will rarely be in a position of being stuck in their little own world. Whereas a narrow minded person will keep going around in circles with little understanding of the need to move beyond the limited perspectives!

I have a personal principle of asking myself whenever I feel stuck in a situation, is there another way to see this? And lo and behold, there always is! And immediately the answer becomes clearer.

I hope this will inspire you to look beyond self imposed limitations and perspectives and allow yourself to expand in wondrous ways!

© 2009

Mind Management | SUCCESS Magazine | What Achievers Read

2009-06-17T15:00:00.001+08:00

Mind Management | SUCCESS Magazine | What Achievers Read

Shared via AddThis

New Habit

2009-06-07T15:23:00.002+08:00

I intend to run the 1/2 marathon again at the end this year and I just started proper training a week ago. And I am glad to share that I have cultivated a new habit of listening to audio books while running. These are mostly motivational and inspirational audio books that I am listening to. I normally use these audio books while commuting, but I realised that listening to them while running would in fact save me even more reading/listening time and this would also enable me to listen/read more books! So I am now more than ever excited to train for the 21km race.

We are all creatures of habit and as I have shared previously, we do everything out of habit from thinking positively to acting positively or thinking negatively to acting negatively and so on.

Nothing gets me going more in life than reminding myself to keep doing positive and inspiring things day in and out. And I try to cultivate new positive habits as often as I can. When I am focusing on doing positive things, I won't have the time or energy to indulge in negative things!

Have you formed a new positive habit today?

Behaving Ourselves Out Of Problems

2009-05-02T07:36:00.002+08:00

I was recently inspired by these words:

Talking ourselves out of problems = quick fix
Behaving ourselves out of problems = long term results

As a counselor, one of the things I have come to realise is that people love to TALK about their problems, their issues, their challenges. But when I say, so how do you think you can help yourself in this challenge? Most people get so uncomfortable with the idea of doing something about their problems that they avoid my question altogether and continue complaining and talking about the problems! The reality is that more than 50% of people who go for counseling have no real desire to really change their life choices to enable them to resolve their problems. They just want someone else to agree with them that their life is hard.

One of the key things in which I tend to focus on in my counseling practice is to get people to take responsibility by changing their behaviour patterns to solve their problems. Let me give you an example.

Can a person who says, 'I want to lost weight' and continues to consume high calorie unhealthy food actually lose weight? Obviously not, this person must behave himself/herself out of this weight issue by choosing the right foods and exercising right.

We tell children to behave themselves, but most adults do not behave themselves. They are like children with lack of self control, over indulging in rich unhealthy foods, overspending on things they do not need, over indulging in negative thoughts and emotions, indulging in negative behaviours. Can children behave themselves if adults cannot? This explains why only a very very small percentage of people in the world can truly achieve their goals in a wholesome manner.

Bad behaviour in adults is a real problem. Obviously, it is the cause of most problems we face on earth from crimes to social and environmental concerns. So think about how you can change your behaviour today, not only to transform your own life but to have a positive affect on those around you as well.

Behave yourself out of your problem and you will see long term results.

© 2009

(I will be holding a mini workshop on "How To Behave Ourselves Out Of Our Problems" on Thursday 7 May 7pm-8.30pm @ 19 Tanglin Road, #05-49 Tanglin Shopping Centre. Fee: S$15/- per participant. To register, email: shamala@platinumlightworker.com or phone/SMS 65-97364300. The mini workshop will also be available on CD or Mp3)

Walk On

2009-04-26T08:52:00.003+08:00

I just like to share this inspirational video with all of you...

Choices

2009-04-13T06:20:00.003+08:00

Of late, I've been hearing a lot of people say that they did this or that because they didn't have a choice. I am a person who believes that we all have choices, and that we are in truth never cornered into a no choice situation. Obviously, I came to this conclusion only after having made many mistakes in life!

I now know that the idea that I didn't have choices came about through plain laziness. Laziness in thought, laziness in being proactive in my own life, laziness in dealing with the consequences of the choices I made.

As a mother, I know fully well the consequences I have to deal with when our daughter was put in childcare because I made the choice to also have service work as a priority in my life. I know that life will not be complete for me even if I were to spend all my waking hours with my young daughter because of my passion for my service work. Some people have said that I didn't have a choice but to put my daughter in child care because what I do is my vocation in life. However, I know that I do have a choice, I could have put my life's work on hold but I didn't. I know that by putting my life's work on hold, it will not make me a better mother. In fact, it is through my work that I am a better mother! Because my work enables to be stimulated all the time and I am constantly learning to be better psychologically and spiritually.

In terms of addictions and bad habits, I am still dealing with the consequences of the wayward choices of my past, but I do not complain about them, nor do I see them as negative things. I have made the choice to see the consequences as part of my learning journey and it has empowered me in more ways than one.

Dr Stone, one of my heroes always said, making a bad decision is better than not making a decision at all.

I agree, not making a choice is like being part of a bad choice by circumstances and being completely taken over it and losing self in the process. At least when you consciously make a 'bad choice', you have the capacity and power to learn from it and eventually see the 'bad choice' as an opportunity for growth.

I hope that whatever you are dealing with, you are able to see that you are a part of that choice made and a part of the process and consequence as well and in truth, you always have a choice in how you wish to perceive them.

© 2009

New Life

2009-03-31T06:08:00.003+08:00

I like to share an email I received from a very good friend of mine a few days ago. G and I were flatmates in what feels like a life time ago. He lives in Canada now and we have been in touch since he left Singapore for home.

This was what he said: "All memory is made of narrative..... so our memories are stories, not events, fluid, ever-changing... dynamic. I dig this. But there is also an urge to fix, the butterfly wings under pins, to fossilize, and it must be this process that often confronts me (with a smile) when I find you online, almost a new incarnation, a new story, a new history. This was my first thought about the from addict to counsellor thing...."

I found G's words powerful because of the truth behind the words - that our memories are stories. I am pretty certain that many of you struggling with any form of addictions have your stories to share, and that with every victory you come closer to a 'new incarnation, a new story, a new history'. Sometimes when people share stories about what I used to do, I struggle a little trying to remember because it really does feel like a lifetime ago. (The alcohol must have done a good job of killing a lot of my brain cells! lol!) I feel blessed to be living a completely new life and to feel so liberated. The memories of the past may seem distant but I can easily recall the feelings/emotions from the past and I am glad to say I do not feel the same now.

Oddly enough, my past life as an addict has been a blessing in many ways for without it I would not walk on the path I am on now. For this reason, I often tell my clients, the past has no hold on you unless you give it the power. You have the ability to create a new future, a new life starting from scratch because it is within our innate ability to do so. It is in our nature if we observe how nature works. Every day is a day of renewal, with each sunrise it is a new beginning. Even with each inbreath we are renewing ourselves physically. So no past is too dark or bleak that has the power to hold us back simply because we have the ability to renew ourselves even within our breath.

May you begin a new incarnation, and write a new story and a new history every day. (Thank you G for the inspiration for this sharing)

© 2009

Winners & Winners

2009-03-16T06:59:00.003+08:00

I've been silent for a while as I've been busy moving into a new office/counseling space. It certainly took longer than expected, steps had to be taken to soundproof the room, it is still not completed but I have already started seeing clients in this new space. So Yay!

Anyway, recently I heard an short audio recording of an interview of a well known successful real estate guy and he said something like, in the real world there are winner and there are losers. He said this in the context of winning money and losing money in real estate deals. I thought about this for a while, and I have to disagree with him.

I believe that when people 'lose' money, it is still an investment, it is an investment on self - investing on lessons in life. It is like one is paying for these lessons just as one would pay for education. Personally I think that in order to succeed, one must have a right perspective to 'winning' and 'losing'. Ultimately, there are no losers, because everything that we decide in life, we stand to gain. We gain in experience, we gain in wisdom, we gain in love, we gain financially and so on. It is simply a matter of putting things in the right perspective.

This is the same as dealing with addictions. I know many people who seek help with their addictions have often been labeled as 'losers' by their friends or family. This has such a big impact on their consciousness that they tend to believe that they will not succeed in whatever they set out to do. And unfortunately, many allow their addictions to send them to their deathbed.

Recently, someone sent me an email to share with me how as a hard core addict he lost many things in life, but he has since turned his life around and is counting his blessings now. To me, he is a winner. He won on all counts despite having 'lost' many of his material possessions, and is obviously wiser, he gained better health and is still on the road to recovery.

For anyone out there still battling with your addictions, know that you will soon be on your winning streak, change the perspective you hold of yourself and you will change our life.

I cheer you on!

© 2009

Perseverance & Adaptation

2009-02-28T07:23:00.006+08:00

When I first brought my dog home more than 10 years ago, she was a pretty wild one. As she was badly abused by her previous owners, she was neurotic and a little violent at times. I suffered from bites, scratches and minor injury for the first few months of my life with her. I didn't know how to control her and so I bought all kinds of books on dog training and tried to undo some of the damage she went through in her previous home.

She was obviously not an easy dog to train. I tried all the methods that the books talked about. And the success rates for discipline was only 10%. She would either try to pounce on other people around or she would try to hide if there was a big group of people walking towards us. My whole apartment was wrecked. She bit off a huge chunk of my sofa so there was sponge foam everywhere when I came home one day. She pulled down my curtains and bit all my nice candles, pictures, shoes, anything you can think of. My nicely decorated living room soon became an empty shell filled only with dog toys. Fleeting thoughts of giving up and sending her to the SPCA came to my mind. But I persevered because I believe every living creature deserves a chance. Over time the success rate for discipline even though did not go very much higher did not deter me. After a couple of years she began to tone down on her boisterous behaviour. She was more calm and steady and realised eventually that I was unlike her previous owners. I can't say that her discipline level went beyond 50% but I still felt it was a great success.

Today, the same dog is older and deaf. She is still a live wire at times, and because she is now deaf, the learned ways of disciplining her has been thrown out of the window. We are now starting all over again with new methods of discipline. She has started to steal food off the kitchen counter, she does things she is not supposed to and all commands have been ignored because she can no longer hear. But my motivation to discipline my dog has always been the same - to be sure that she remains safe and harm free.

This experience with my dog has taught me many lessons on perseverance and adaptation.

We all have different reasons why we succumb to addictions and bad habits because we all have different experiences in life. But what we must do in order to break out of any bad habits/addictions is to persevere. Our life's circumstances may change over time and so adapting our methods to master our addictions must be done wisely. What may work yesterday may not work today. But our motivation should remain the same and that is to be liberated and to claim our mastery of self.

© Shamala Tan

Addicted To Being A Victim

2009-02-20T07:14:00.003+08:00

Most people in the world are addicts to victimhood, if there is such a word. In fact, the world honours victims, and make victimhood a really tempting position to be in.

The arena of politics, education, business, society, religion and so on has taught us that it is acceptable to be a victim. This is why less than 5% of people succeed in any sector of life - whether it is in spirituality, finance, business, education, the arts or science. The rest of the world remains in mediocracy which is fine if this is what you want. But honestly, how many people are striving to be mediocre? Almost everyone wants to be successful in what they do. So what is it that is stopping us from being better than what we give ourselves credit for? It is our addiction.

According to an online dictionary, the definition of addiction is: "the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma"

The key phrase here is "state of being enslaved to a habit". We as human beings have been enslaved by this habit of being a victim.

How many people feel victimized by the morning rush hour traffic, or feeling victimized by one's colleagues or boss or friends or family, or being victimized by one's job, or being victimized by one's relationships, or the weather, or situations, the list is endless. It doesn't help when we read the headline that says something like "Woman fell victim to con artist" and we are taught by society to feel sorry for the victim, which then feeds the person's victim mentality. So we have indeed got ourselves into one fine mess of victimization. I know some of you may think, but the person was indeed victimized by the con artist. My reply would be, yes she may have lost money or whatever to the con artist due to her lack of discernment or being too naive, but what is her next step of action? Will she remain in self pity, poor me mentality? Or will she take this as a lesson and feel more empowered knowing what not to do and what to do the next time? And allowing the experience to take her out of her addiction to victimhood?

In truth victimization is nothing more than a habit of negative thinking, negative feeling, negative actions. All we need to do is to stop the habit and stop giving in to this addiction. If we want to master our addictions to alcohol or cigarettes, or food or procrastination, we must first stop the habit of being a victim. Stop blaming the nicotine, or the sugar, or tiredness or our body or other people. Take charge and take steps to empower yourself. Strive to be part of the top 5% of successful people and help to increase the pool of successful people to 10%, 20% and more! [We don't have to be victimized by statistics either!]

Victims blame. Masters take charge. Bad things can happen to anyone but what we do about it will make us victims or masters.

© 2009

Relationships

2009-02-15T17:34:00.004+08:00

Last night, my husband Toby and I were taking stock on our relationship and marriage. And we wondered if we would even have considered being in a relationship if we were both more personality aligned as opposed to being more holistically inclined in terms of our personal development. If I had met Toby more than 15 years ago, I would have been too drunk to know what I was doing anyway!

Relationships play important roles in our personal growth and development. Often times, addicts may experience a lot of loneliness or feelings of isolation. I remember being with many friends all the time and yet there was a distinct sense of isolation and loneliness in my drinking days. Because I hid it from my family it made the experience even more lonely. I was afraid of being judged and I became defensive as well. This of course only made things worse.

Looking back, I know people who were close to me would have helped me willingly if I had asked. I was involved in a series of dysfunctional romantic relationships (surprise surprise) but I had very close relationships with some good friends. The thing is I hid the extent of my addictions from them too and so they did not know that I needed help.

I think close friends and family will open their doors to us no matter what, addicts may just be too shut down to accept their love, assistance and support. It is amazing the extent a person will go to hide their addictions from others and themselves.

So to those of you who have opened your door to accepting support and love, bravo! For those who still struggle with this within, know that you are in truth never alone.

© 2009

Healing With Love & Discipline

2009-02-05T10:38:00.006+08:00

Yesterday, a friend passed me a flyer of a child care centre called "Whole Child Nurture Centre" in it is a very interesting article and I would like to share a short extract of it.

{So what does a parent or teacher do? First comfort the child who has been kicked or struck. At Waldorf pre-schools other children immediately run to bring a cup of water for the hurt child. Then, turn your attention to the child who has hurt the other child.
"We say, 'now something is wrong with your foot or your leg' (not with the child] but with the limb. 'This leg keeps kicking other children. We must take care of your sick foot/leg.' So it will not keep kicking.' So we bandage the foot or leg and make the child sit quietly until the limb is 'healed'. Sometimes we have to do it more than once but it always works,' said Ritta}
Ritta Korpinen is a Waldorf-Steiner kindergarten teacher living in Australia sharing about how to discipline a 'kicking' child.

Not only is this method successful with children, I think it can be equally successful with adults too. So for eg you have an addiction and you have tried time and time again to combat it, but you have not been successful. How often do you beat yourself up? How often do you blame yourself? Perhaps a change of perspective would be useful - by seeing that your addiction is an act which causes you not to function in a healthy manner. And in truth the addiction is not you. Loving yourself despite your addictions can be challenging but you may find that you can muster the courage to love yourself and accept the love and support from others, as well as instill the discipline to do what you must to move beyond the hold of the addiction.

Whenever I counsel people with addictions, and I also found this to be true in my own story, addicts tend to lack unconditional self love and discipline. But when I focused on getting well by exercising greater discipline and taking responsibility for my actions as well as loving myself despite the ups and downs, the good days and the bad days, I found much more strength to take me one day at a time with a resolve to stick to my goals.

The wonderful Waldorf-Steiner teacher did the exact same thing with the children. It is so simple yet so elusive to the judgmental mind. Healing with love & discipline certainly makes a big positive difference!

© 2009

Taking action

2009-01-21T07:04:00.005+08:00

Recently someone asked me, what if I have client who engages me as a counselor for help to combat their addictions/bad habits but the person is very resistant. What do I do?

This is what I said:

Everyone is resistant to change, and everyone on some level enjoys the pain and suffering when they are hooked to their addictions. But if the client has taken the first step to come for counseling, I say congratulations.

However, there are some clients who are happy to just talk about their addictions but have no real desire to work on mastering their addictions by getting into action. In fact, they may be looking for justification for why they are still hanging on to their addictions. They may even argue and place blame on others. I normally 'fire' these clients after a period of time, because they have no real desire to help themselves. Ultimately for any coaching/counseling to work the client has to do the work, and I cannot do the work for him/her. I am only the coach cheering and guiding at the sidelines.

Some people may say that when I 'fire' the client, then I am leaving the client on the lurch and don't I feel guilty? My reply to that is, they were already in that state before they came to me. So I hold no responsibility for them not getting into action. Co-dependence with the client is not my cup of tea.

So taking responsibility for yourself is a big part of healing. If you have been thinking about making the change for yourself, get into action NOW or else you will never do it.

© 2009

7 Effective Ways To Master Any Addictions

2009-01-17T09:23:00.006+08:00

Here are 7 effective ways in which I have personally used in my life to master my addictions. I recommend that all 7 ways be used together in order for you to see positive results.

Here goes:

1. Set a date on when you will begin the process. This is important, if you do not set a date, you will never start.
2. Do a thorough research on the effects during your transition period so that you are prepared for them and know what to anticipate. When you are prepared, you will prevent yourself from sabotaging the process.
3. Create a list of the positive changes you will experience once you have mastered your addiction. Remain focused on your goals and use the list you created to inspire yourself daily. What I would recommend is to read the list daily and add to it as you go along.
4. Dis-identify with the illusion that your addiction is good for you or said in another way, dis-identify with the false experience that the addiction gives you. Eg. if you're addicted to sugar, you experience a false sense of comfort when you finish the big slice of cake that you know is not good for you, only to feel bad physically afterwards because of what the sugar is doing to your physical body. So dis-identify with this false sense of reality.
5. Identify with the positive effects of how you feel when you master your addiction through visualization. For eg if you are addicted to procrastination, visualise yourself like a power dynamo. Full of energy and being able to get things done and even fulfilling what was previously perceived as impossible. Use all your senses - feel it, taste it, smell it, see it, hear it. The more frequently you do this, the more you will experience this for real. Understand that your subconscious mind does not know the difference between what is happening for real and what is visualized. All it does is have these experiences (real or visualised) imprinted within your subconscious mind. So think about it, the more you visualize the positive effects the more your subconscious mind will operate from the positive effects!
6. Work with positive affirmations and self talk. Again, this works in the same manner as described in point 5. Only this time you are working with positive affirmations and encouraging and engaging yourself with positive self talk.
7. Make friends with people who have the positive qualities you are looking for. Eg. if you lack motivation, then hang around with people who are highly motivated and stay away from people who will feed your addiction/bad habit.

I hope this will inspire you in your personal battle!

© 2009 Shamala Tan

Mind power and food

2009-01-15T10:11:00.002+08:00

We spent last Christmas with my husband's family in the UK and we had a wonderful time just relaxing and catching up with everyone.

After the Christmas dinner, the huge half eaten turkey was placed on the kitchen counter waiting to be packed up for later meals. I was sitting on a stool at the same counter reading the newspaper and someone walked in saw me and said, "Are you not tempted to eat the turkey being a vegetarian?"

I was very surprised by the question. I have been a vegetarian for about 10 years now, with the occasional slip ups during pregnancy. When the question was asked, I realised that I did not even see the turkey sitting there as food. I have already learned to dis-identify it as a food item.

Our minds are pretty amazing if we know how to make it work for us. One of the key things I have learned to do while I was on my way out of alcoholism was to dis-identify feelings and thoughts of pleasure, love, attention, relaxation from alcohol. And then enforcing and identifying thoughts and feelings of destruction, ill health and so on with alcohol.

The same technique was applied to my diet when I made a commitment and several other times re-commitment to become a vegetarian for moral and social reasons.

The saying "the flesh is willing but the will is weak" is very true for many especially when one does not know how to work with the power of the mind. Our strong will can only come from the power of our mind. The mind indeed is our greatest ally if we invest it right.

@ 2009 Shamala Tan

What are your goals for 2009?

2009-01-13T08:01:00.003+08:00

Welcome to the new year! I hope to share more inspiring and interesting stories with you in the coming months...

One of my goals this year is to complete writing a book on my personal journey on how I transformed from being an addict to a holistic life coach. In this book, successful tried and tested methods and tips will be offered to master any addictions and/or bad habits. If you are addicted to procrastination, this book will be very useful to you too!

I am giving myself 9 months to complete this book. Will update you every now and then.

I have listed a whole long list of goals for 2009 because I believe that in order to achieve anything in life, we must set goals. Drifting aimlessly and at the same time wanting something without any time frame leads to lack of results. Contemplating on how you have used your time last year may help you to set your goals for this year. If you didn't accomplish what you wanted to accomplish this year, perhaps it is time to set your goals.

Looking back, I realised that I didn't achieve the things I wanted to achieve last year because I didn't set clear goals or direction. And by the end of Dec, only things I have set a clear direction and goal in Jan last year were achieved! This only proved to me that I needed clear direction and goals.

Have a great 2009!

@ 2009 Shamala Tan

Festivities

2008-12-26T17:39:00.002+08:00

I like to wish everyone a happy season of celebration. We are currently away so this blog may be quiet for a while. But when I am back online properly, there will be more stories to be shared.

Joy and peace to all!

Resistance to change

2008-12-19T09:17:00.001+08:00

Our little daughter just started at a new childcare yesterday. Even though from what we observe this is clearly a much better environment for her than her previous childcare she is still apprehensive, understandably. She said to me last night before going to bed, "Mummy can I please go back to my old school"?

I think we are all resistant to change, no matter how old we are! How many times have you found yourself going back to your old ways, preferring to sit in your comfort zone?

For my daughter, being in a new environment is both exciting and scary. The familiar environment is gone, replaced by new friends and new teachers. With words of encouragement and guidance, we know that her transition in her new environment will be a good one.

For most people, change can be scary and often times one may feel alone in the journey. However, I also think that most people do not realise how words of encouragement from themselves i.e. positive self talk can make all the difference. Being one's own cheerleader to keep self upbeat and positive can help one scale even the highest mountain.

For a child, they need an adult like a parent or teacher to be their cheerleader. For an adult, you have your own conscious and subconscious minds to work with you and for you, making this a great cheering team.

May the new year bring wonderful new changes to you!

Latest Craze

2008-12-16T08:42:00.002+08:00

My latest 'addiction', though I hesitate to call it an addiction, it is really my latest craze or passion - Green Smoothie.

Thought I'd share this with you:

Bananas
Raw baby spinach
Goji Berries (soaked in water)
Dates

These are all raw ingredients. Experiment with the quantity of each ingredient (however you fancy really!) and blend everything together with water. Makes a very yummy smoothie for breakfast or snack.

Now for those of you who are still hooked on alcohol, this smoothie actually helps you to get healthier in your lifestyle choices. The more you drink something healthy, the more your body is going to crave healthier things! So give it a go!

I know several people have said they have set deadlines to quit alcohol, I hope this smoothie will help you in your transition. Let me know if you would like more raw smoothie recipes....

Enjoy!

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Best break

2008-12-15T06:08:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was my birthday, and I had a relatively relaxing day apart from being challenged by my 3 year old. I thought about all the past birthdays in my 20s when I never woke up sober. And I came to a conclusion that being challenged by a 3 year old isn't all that bad....lol!

To make things even more enjoyable, I told my daughter yesterday when she was being difficult, "Darling, it is my birthday today, can you please give me a break." And she said, "I don't have any, can we go shopping to buy it?"

Best birthday present ever!

:-)

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Addictions Kill

2008-12-12T18:07:00.003+08:00

Addictions kill. I know, it is pretty obvious to most people. But I think addicts do not realise how they can kill themselves easily especially when their addictions render them completely powerless.

Once I was drinking before dinner at a friend's place, we were going to paint the town because it was her birthday. We started drinking too much too quickly on empty stomachs and then decided to smoke some 'other' substance too. A guy who was crazy about her came along too. Soon, we were pretty much a very 'happy' bunch.

We left her apartment and as we were going down the lift, the guy passed out. He was a tall guy and so he fell quite heavily because we didn't have the strength to hold him up because we were busy giggling! We thought it was so funny we couldn't stop giggling. When we reached the ground floor, we dragged him out, still giggling. We didn't know what to do and the last thing we wanted to do was take him to a doctor because we would be found out. So, instead of thinking about his well being, we thought about ourselves first. And we just sat there and waited for him to wake up, not thinking that he may not wake up or that something may be seriously wrong with him.

Thankfully, he became conscious again. So we decided to return to the apartment. And in the lift he fainted again! We dragged him out again and slowly back to the apartment. Being such die hard party animals we went on to party the night away after that and in truth, I don't even remember what happened the rest of the night.

Occasionally I thought about this incident and how dangerous it was for all of us being so smashed out of our minds. I am so thankful for having transformed my life around. I don't know what has happened to my friend or the guy. The last I knew she was still in the party circuit.

I feel blessed to have woken up.

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Endurance

2008-12-11T17:28:00.003+08:00

A few readers have emailed me asking if I have recovered and if I am still in pain from the run. I am perfectly fine now thank you, I even played tennis yesterday. :-)

One important quality that I have which I am grateful for is my high endurance level and resilience. I believe that this quality also helped me tremendously to get out of my addictions. Interestingly, it is also the same endurance that allowed me to be victimised by my addictions! Let me explain.

One can use endurance negatively or positively. If endurance is used for negative intentions such as addictions, one can stay and endure even the most painful addictions for many years, whether it is physical, emotional or mental addictions.

However, if endurance is used in a positive way to move out of negative habits then certainly endurance works to your advantage. One of the most important things for addicts to remember is that the transition period is the most crucial. The transition period may be 3 days, 7 days or for some a month. But using endurance and the right motivation, one can master any kinds of addictions.

Ultimately, it is a matter of choice.

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Intelligence Of The Physical Body

2008-12-10T06:28:00.003+08:00

I remember in the last few years of my drinking days, whenever I had a drink, my nose would start running and my hearing becomes a little strange. I felt as though I was in a tunnel and there's a hollow sound and everyone sounded a little far away and I had problems hearing. All of these happened so gradually that I barely noticed at first.

I remember one time I was having a drink in a pub and trying to have a conversation with a person right next to me and I could hardly hear.

Looking back, I realised that it was really my body telling me that it has had enough! My body could no longer process the alcohol effectively and so my nose was constantly running. And my hearing was slowly fading away.

Our physical body holds within it an intelligence for self preservation. If we treat it badly, it does what it has to to survive. I believe that when we ill treat our body with unhealthy food such as processed food, preservatives, unnatural sugar, excessive sugar, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol and so on, our body has a way of telling us that something is wrong. But are we listening?

It took me years to finally listen to it because by then I was constantly falling ill. I don't have any problems with my hearing any more and I am now all ears when it comes to the intelligence of my physical body.

:-)

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Marathon of life

2008-12-08T08:17:00.002+08:00

I enjoyed the 1/2 marathon yesterday despite feeling the pain today on my legs! It was a comfortable and good run as a whole until I reached the last few kms, leg cramps were in full force (from my calves to my thighs) and I hobbled all the way to the finishing line. It was a good feeling to complete the run in not too bad a time. And a more determined feeling to better my time next year and to address the cramp issues. I may just be pounding on the course again next year!

:-)

This is one of the things in life that keeps me motivated - to just better myself and to run my own race in life. It is a sure fire way to combat any addictions and/or bad habits.

Three cheers to running marathons and the marathon of life!

High On Life

2008-12-05T05:13:00.003+08:00

My idea then, of enjoying life meant drinking excessively, smoking excessively, and seeking out other 'interesting' substances to get a better high. I paid the price of course the next day after every binge....feeling sick, tired, dehydrated with my head banging continously.

It was easy to slip into a state of denial to even think that these things were enjoyable. When I think back on why I did all the things I did, I realised that I didn't really have a big reason. It was like one thing just led to another. I am quite sure that most addicts feel the same way. And when asked why do they do it, they would say they enjoy it!

Besides the lack of goals in life, I believe that I was just absolutely bored, as if I was just waiting for something to happen. Of course nothing was going to happen if I myself didn't make it happen.

When I was finally able to cross that line, determined to make things happen, determined to live a life, determined to make a difference and plant something on the soil of the earth for future generations, I realised that all that I was waiting for in life was within me. It took a couple of years of purification in body, mind and spirit to come to that realization.

Experiencing a High On Life did not come from outside of me, it now comes from within me. The best part is, there are no hangovers! :-)

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Setting Goals

2008-12-03T11:31:00.004+08:00

One of the things I realised I did not do in my addictive days were setting goals. I was like a driftwood, aimless, no goals, no plans, no desire, no fire, no nothing. This naturally translates to lack of care for myself, for others or for what is going on around the world.

I believe that the only goal that addicts have is instant self gratification.

During the recovery period of abstinence from alcohol, I set a goal to write books. But it was a start stop process. I didn't know why I just couldn't get it going. Then I realised that there was a nagging feeling/thought inside me that says I am not capable of it. I also felt that I was not good enough. Once I saw through these negative thoughts/feelings, I gathered all the power I could find to finish what I started. So I finished two children's books which I wrote and illustrated and got them published as well!

Today, I am still setting goals for myself whether it is on the physical, psychological or spiritual levels.

My immediate physical goal is to run the half marathon race this Sunday. The training keeps me healthy and fit. I've had to adjust my goal -- last year I did the full marathon, but I realised that this year I would not have the time to train for the full 42km race so I opted for the 21km instead, which I am also very happy with.

I will be thinking happy thoughts while I run towards my goal :-)

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Inspiring quote

2008-12-02T13:37:00.001+08:00

Just came across this quote to add to the post on the Issue of Shame:

One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered ~ Michael J. Fox

So true!

Use Of Time

2008-12-01T22:35:00.003+08:00

Time is the most precious thing we have. When you have all the wealth in the world, but are running out of time, your wealth cannot buy time for you.

When I sit back and think about the number of hours I used to spend each week in a pub/disco/club, I realised that so much could have been accomplished during that time. For eg, I used to spend Thursday to Saturday evenings from 9pm - 3am just hanging out drinking. That would make it 18 hours a week, not counting the hours spent drinking at home or elsewhere from Sundays to Wednesdays. So that would easily be 30 hours per week.

These days, 30 hours can be used to see 30 clients/answer 60 emails/making 100 phone calls! Putting the hours into this perspective I can see how much time can be wasted especially doing something absolutely meaningless like drinking. Not to mention wasting money!

These days, my schedule is absolutely packed from 5am-8pm Mon-Fri. Though I work hard, I enjoy every minute of it because I know I am now using the precious gift of time productively.

How are you spending your precious gift?

Issue of shame

2008-11-30T22:39:00.004+08:00

I used to be notoriously famous in some pubs for throwing up all over the place. Yes, these were my regular haunts where I never fail to go overboard with my drinking. In one particular pub, the bartenders know me so well that every time I walk in, they hand me a plastic bag and ask me to hang it around my ears, just in case.

I know that many of the people I used to know such as the bartenders can never believe that I am a different person now. It is funny how decisions we make in life affect us on so many levels.

In all of these years, I have counseled so many people from all walks of life. The key challenge for many who have made mistakes in the past and would like to start anew is the issue of shame.

Shame holds people back, and puts them in a position of fear and guilt which can also lead to self punishment.

Remarks by others to hang a plastic bag around my ears can be humiliating from a negative perspective. And if I gave it the power to hold me back, I would still be hiding behind the bottle.

If shame is what is holding you back, stand tall and allow the words of others to slide off you, and continue to walk with dignity for the past has no hold over you, unless you allow it to. Instead, walk towards the creation of a better and more powerful tomorrow.

@ 2008 Shamala Tan

Paralyzing Effects Of Addictions

2008-11-29T11:42:00.003+08:00

I think we live in a world of addictions. While I had addictions that were pretty obvious such as drinking and smoking, there are also many people in the world who are addicted to negative thinking, feelings, behaviour and words.

These addictions are acceptable in society because everyone does it! But if we were honest with ourselves we can see quite clearly how our own addictive negative thoughts can be so destructive to ourselves and to others around us.

How many times have you had a negative thought about yourself, about others or about situations today? How often have you been paralyzed by your own negativity?

According to Dr Joshua Stone, the author of Soul Psychology, he said we live in a world of hypnosis. And in order to become Masters of our lives, we need to move out of this hypnosis by working on improving our psychological immune system. As many of you may know, Dr Stone was one of my heroes. He taught me through his books and through his personal emails the importance of moving out of mass hypnosis.

Every day, it is a new day to seek out areas in my own mind and life to observe how much I am still operating from mass hypnosis. Exercising discipline so as not to get caught in mass thinking/behaviour is something that must be practiced daily.

Even though I have stopped my destructive habits, my focus is still on moving out of the addiction of mass hypnosis.

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Words Of Wisdom

2008-11-28T10:28:00.001+08:00

Procrastination Is The Thief Of Time! ~ Edward Young

Side Effects Of Mastering Addictions

2008-11-28T08:12:00.004+08:00

Some of the side effects I experience after mastering my addictions are:

1. Radiant health
2. Being a master of my own life, as opposed to being a victim
3. Ability to think clearly
4. Motivated to assist others to do the same
5. Living my life's purpose
6. Healthier relationship with others
7. Strong spiritual connections
8. Living an abundant life
9. Enjoying my work, which is really not work but enjoyable purpose
10. Have a clearer perception of reality
11. Ability to balance my thinking and feeling nature
12. Greater awareness of what I eat, drink and consume
13. Cultivation of positive habits such as exercising
14. And many more!

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Bad public behaviour

2008-11-26T17:10:00.005+08:00

On Sunday, at 8 o'clock in the morning I witnessed a very drunk man speaking loudly and banging the tables at the food centre while his family was having breakfast with him. He had a bottle of 3/4 drunk bottle of whiskey with him.

This reminded me of the times when I used to be a pubic nuisance too. According to some of my friends, they said I was innocently honest like a child when I was drunk. I would go up to strangers and tell them honestly what I thought about them, even though I didn't know them! I have insulted many people from taxi drinkers, to friends of friends, to other patrons of pubs/discos. Nothing to be proud of.

But I share this to show how much out of control we can become when we give our power away to our addictions. Some people may say that I didn't know what I was saying while I was drunk. But I did know what I was doing when I drank myself silly. So I was still responsible for my actions.

Taking charge of one's life is really about taking responsibility for everything we do to ourselves and to others. Looking back at all the things I used to do makes me even more committed to do what is right for myself and for others. I do not live in regrets nor do I put myself on guilt trips, I am aware that I made some serious mistakes in the past and have vowed never to repeat them again. What I have now is an even stronger conviction to be a healthy person in body, mind and spirit.

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Habits Can Be Replaced

2008-11-26T08:47:00.004+08:00

I remember as a smoker, one of my favourite things I used to do was to have a cup of coffee and a smoke after a meal. I think all smokers can relate to this. There is a sense of comfort and relaxation that one gets from this.

Of course, on hindsight I realised that this is a false sense of comfort.

This false sense of comfort puts one in a comfort zone and is the perfect excuse for those who wants to continue to be a victim of this bad habit. It also provides a false sense of security that 'if it feels good, it cannot be that bad for you'!

Once when I decided to quit smoking, one of the silliest thing I did was continue to go to smoky places like pubs and discos because I was still drinking (the pubs/discos in Singapore then were not smoke free yet). The temptation to pick up a cigarette was just so strong that I actually held a cigarette the whole night without lighting up. I would every now and then just sniff at the cigarette. I realised that I was addicted to the act and habit of smoking rather than being addicted to the nicotine. Of course, my conviction to quit smoking didn't last - it was just too easy to go back into my comfort zone.

I tried this same method countless times hoping to quit but only reaching out for one more puff and then 2 more and before I know it, it was 1-2 packs a day again.

Obviously, I was doing all the wrong things.

On my last try to quit, these were what I finally did right:
1. stop buying cigarettes
2. stop hanging out with people who smoke (cigarettes or other 'smokable' stuff)
3. stop hanging out at places where smoking is allowed
4. exercise

It was hard at first to isolate myself but I spent a lot of time watching movies at home. BUT I was still drinking. (One of the tell tale signs of an alcoholic - drinking a lot alone)

Eventually it worked. The longer I went without cigarettes, the easier it got, the more aware I was of how clogged up my lungs were. It was a big victory in many ways.

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Procrastination Is A Disease

2008-11-25T09:40:00.004+08:00

There were many occasions in my addictive days where I had thoughts to quit smoking or drinking. These thoughts didn't materialise as soon as they should because they only remained as thoughts. It was always, I will quit after this weekend, or after so-and-so's birthday party, or after this-or-that event.

I believe that most human beings have this disease called Procrastination. It is a disease that does not discriminate where you come from, how old you are, what language you speak, what income bracket you belong to.....everyone has this disease in one form or another.

In order to succeed in mastering one's addictions or bad habits, one must conquer procrastination. Procrastination paralyzes us, it makes us smaller, and worse off than we actually are. And I think for some people, procrastination is a very good excuse not to become better than they actually are!

I found that once I put my thoughts into action by finally throwing the bottles out, I also busted procrastination on so many levels. I was able to achieve a lot in my life in an incredibly short time. And of course, I thought back and said to myself, why didn't I quit the addictions sooner?

If my bad habits and addictions didn't kill me, then I think procrastination would have done the job easily. Because it meant I wouldn't find real meaning to living.

If procrastination is your addiction, then in truth it is by far your most potent addiction because it is so subtle and not so easy to spot its destructive ways.

Do yourself a favour and do a self examination to see if this disease is in fact robbing you of your life.....

©2008 Shamala Tan

Living or Dying?

2008-11-24T11:47:00.006+08:00

I think most people have heard of this saying: are you living or dying?

In the last days of my addictions, I finally REALISED what it meant to be dying and not living my life.

To know in my mind what is dying, is not the same as truly experiencing what dying in my physical body was. During this time, I was starting to question about the meaning of my own life, and I took time to just try to clear my head. The deeper I contemplated, the more I felt and knew my physical body was in a state of chaos. I became more aware of the unhealthy state I have caused it to be. On hindsight and with all the work I have done on myself, I realised that I was so numb to how I was treating my physical body. My body was choked up literally with toxins in every single cell of my being and every single pore of my skin. I REALISED that I was not living. Every inhalation of smoke was a dying process. Every sip of alcohol was contributing to the decay of my organs. I was dying and I was consciously contributing to its quick demise.

It was one of my wake up calls.

Till this day, I am still 'paying the price' of my negligence, and I am still dealing with the side effects. I know my liver is not functioning as healthily as it should but I am pro-actively taking steps to improve things through my diet, through exercise and also taking suitable supplements. Thank goodness I had the sense to quit smoking sooner and I did exercises like chi-running to clear my lungs. To this day, I am still doing chi-running and reaping the positive benefits.

I made a commitment to LIVE and I am glad I did :-)

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Black outs & Will to succeed

2008-11-23T10:56:00.006+08:00

One of the most dangerous things that can happen to addicts is when one blacks out and has no idea what has happened during the hours and minutes.

This happened to me on many occasions, where I lost several hours simply because I was completely smashed out of my mind. I would 'wake up' sitting in a club/disco with people I don't even know. Or I would find myself at home and don't know how I got home. At first, these experiences did scare me, but it was still not enough to lure me away from the addiction.

Somehow after some rest and sleep, the blacks out were forgotten and I was back with a glass of whatever I could get hold of.

The will to quit the addiction was not there yet.

Through my own personal experiences, I know for a fact, that only those with a will to master their addictions will succeed. And I will only take on clients who have the strong will and commitment to master their addictions. Those who say they want to quit but cannot follow through with action have not found it within themselves to love themselves enough to do what is right. And I will not waste their time or mine with their addiction issues. Anyone who wants to master their addiction must dig deep.

Personally, I quit cold turkey the moment I decided I had enough, the weeks and months that followed were challenging, not because I really wanted another drink. But because it was painful to detox.

© 2008 Shamala Tan

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic?

2008-11-22T17:03:00.001+08:00

When I tell people that I used to be an alcoholic, many people look at me in disbelief. Even close friends may think I am exaggerating but the truth is that what I did with friends is only a fraction of what I used to do on my own.

Some people who don't know me think that I will go back to my old ways because it is a widespread belief that once you are an alcoholic, you will always be one.

Well, my personal journey has proven to mw that this widespread belief does not apply to me. Don't tell me I am in denial lol! The truth is that when I decided to stop smoking and drinking, I did it for the right reasons.

My reason is simple: I don't wish to spend another day of my life wasting money and wasting my time and energy that does not give me long term benefits. And I rather focus my energies on living my life's purpose and being of better use to society other than polluting the planet!

I have so successfully mastered my addictions that I can smell alcohol from a distance and my physical body reacts telling me it is poison! And I am very intolerant to cigarette smoke, choosing to stay away from smoky places (Thank God Singapore is very intolerant of the smoking habit) and people with ash tray breath. Yes my breath was like that too, and I now know how nasty and repulsive it really is!

Anyway, I've been clean of alcohol for about 10 years now and I've stopped smoking for close to 12 years. And I don't miss them one bit.

So why do I choose to talk about this now? Well, because more people are asking me for help in how to master these bad habits and also I believe it is useful for people to listen to real inspirational stories in order to help themselves...

So stay tuned!

© Shamala Tan 2008