Email On Better Relationship With Son

I received an email with a good question which I think many Singaporean parents can relate to. See below for my reply:

"Dear Shamala,

I’m enlightened by your talk today on how to make relationship works.

I guess I should have posted you these questions during the talk so others could benefits as well but pardon my shyness.

My question as follow:-

While coaching my son, I find myself constantly angry with him when he fails to complete a required task( which I knew he is able to do it). In such situation, it always ended up with me throwing my temper, raising my voice at him and him crying thus making learning unpleasant.

The aftermath, I always feel extremely lousy, guilty and angry with my incompetent to keep my cool.

When such incident happen it kind of kill the all bonding I’ve with him as well as his keenness for learning.

As parent, I have expectation on my only 4 years old son on his progress but how should I handle my expectation that I’ve on him, in order to be fair to him as well as kind to myself.

Once again, pls enlighten me.

You mentioned about teaching the children on life skill, do you provide such courses?

Look forward to your reply.

Thanks & Regards

My reply:

Thanks for your email. I think you may have some unrealistic expectation of your 4 year old. He may be able to complete a task, but it does not mean that he has the interest or the attention span since he is only 4. The way to go about this, is to encourage him through play and if he is not able to, or not interested in it, let it go and try again another day. By trying to make him do what you want him to do at that given time, it makes it less fun for him and as you realise will put him off learning. Moreover he is only 4.

I have a 4 year old too....and I normally encourage her to do certain tasks, but if she is not keen, I will show her (even though I know she already knows) and then say lets do it together....and after a while, she says she wants to do it herself. So I think it is really a matter of patience on your part.

If you feel impatient, take a deep breath...and control your tone of voice and don't give your power away to your anger or irritation. Your son is more important than losing your temper. This is a precious age and time to share so make it as pleasant as possible. I am not saying to spoil your son, but having a balanced level of firmness and love will make all the difference. This will help make the experience more pleasant for yourself and for your son.

As for lifeskills for kids....I do group work for kids 7 and above depending on demand.

Those younger than that can also be done, but it is a private session for both parent and child. And I normally do this by spending an hour interacting with the parent and child and observe how the parent is behaving towards the child and teach the parent accordingly. It is more like lifeskills for the parents than for the child.

I hope this helps.

Regards
Shamala

"Expert Opinion" on radio

Last Wed, on 91.3FM national radio, there was a heated debate going on during the evening radio prime time. The topic was: Should men be looking at other women while they are out with their girlfriends/partners. The heated debate was between two callers, one a man and the other a woman. The DJs who ran the program decided to get an 'expert opinion' on this subject. So, Rod Montiero, one of the Djs of the show somehow got my contact and decided to do a quick chat interview on this topic the next day.

My answer was, in general there's nothing wrong in men or women looking at the opposite sex in admiration of their beauty. But I was not speaking of oggling or objectifying people as sexual objects. I also added that in general too, men tend not to be experts in multi tasking and chances are while they are admiring the opposite sex, they were not paying attention to what their partners were saying and this can create tension in the relationship. (I also think that women may be better at admiring the opposite sex without being noticed by their own partners! And I've seen this happen!) On the other hand, some women may also have issues around insecurity in their relationship or being insecure about themselves as well, so this is something women must also look into. It was also my view, that men in general must also be sensitive to the feelings of their partners if they know that their partners have issues around this subject. I think this also works both ways, some men can be insecure about themselves too. So ultimately everyone must be right with themselves, before the relationship can be right.

This is certainly an interesting topic that many people seem to be able to relate to!